Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I am having an out of money experience.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.