[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
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Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*