8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
You Might Also Like
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid