wut hotdog?
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job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.