Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Can’t. About to go please some beans