Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
You Might Also Like
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.