My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
You better watch out
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
The Others (2001)
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Not all heroes wear capes…
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed