I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”