HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying