Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent