Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think