Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
You Might Also Like
I have written yet another poem about laundry
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Never let them know your next move 😂
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”