I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
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How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Love this guy
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship