When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Bros before Ohioes
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower