My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.