My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.