This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My what?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that