Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these