“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
bad news gang
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
selena gomez
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.