[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
How high do the levels go?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.