Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
repaired
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?