COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
concern
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free