I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here