[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I鈥檝e decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can鈥檛 wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
鈥nyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
At this point I鈥檓 waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back馃槵
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot鈥 don鈥檛 even work there.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn鈥檛 understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I鈥檓 pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Optional boss fight.