I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
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I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Support your local cemetery
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Sorry. Not sorry
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters