Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*watches the world burn*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The honesty is refreshing
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls