Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?