Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo