I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
we all know this pain all too well
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.