When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula