*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”