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this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.