“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.