i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.