“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Good morning, Twitter x
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”