Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me checking my bank balance online.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”