Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“OMGJK” -atheists
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?