[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
remember
only for emergencies
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.