This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.