My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.