This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
shampoo implies shampee
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.