Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.