Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.