just gave your address to some spiders
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
me and the Superbowl rn
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Lmfaoooooo
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
There’s never enough good news
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.