As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep