ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.