Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
a badder mouse
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.