Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.