Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.