[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?